Reasons We Do Not Want to Forgive

1. The Offender Points Out What You Did to Him or Her

There are times when someone hurts you, and following the injunction of the Lord, you go to him and point out what he did that has hurt you. It was so obvious. Perhaps your friend embarrassed you in front of people who respected you. You felt humiliated. When you confront him with this, rather than apologize, he reminds you of an occasion when you lied about him too. The idea is to shift focus from his own action to yours. He has now become the victim and you the offender. You might have even apologized for what he brought up, so he brings up another and yet another until it becomes evident that he is not going to take responsibility for hurting you. As a matter of fact, he tells you he has been very patient and kind and good to you and that the first time he did something you didn’t like, you would not allow him to rest. It is okay. Forgive him. Confess out loud in the privacy of your room that you release him. Do not allow his action to stand in your way of doing what is right… forgiving him. If he apologizes to you later, all the better. Sometimes, the way you are handling his accusation may prick his conscience and he will come to you feeling sorry and even embarrassed for his action. Some will, but others will not. You are to forgive against all obstacles. You know what is at stake.

2. The Offender Rationalizes That It Is Your Fault

Another difficulty of forgiveness is when the person who should apologize to you points accusing fingers to you that you should be the one to apologize. Perhaps, at this point, it is wise to see if there is some truth in what he is saying. He might be right; he might be wrong. There is nothing wrong in telling him that you are sorry if he was hurt, but do not own up to what you did not do. Some people are never wrong; they are good at talking their way out of any situation. They are very crafty and proficient in this. Don’t take it personally. It is their own personality at work. They might have done it to others in the past, and chances are that they will claim more victims in the future. You are just one of many that they have hurt. Look up and realize there are unseen eyes watching over everything. God knows every action taken. He hears every word uttered. He even knows the plans and thoughts of the heart. He understands the motive. Take comfort in the fact that God sees it and you should therefore still forgive him, because you have determined that forgiveness is not based on the action of your offender but on the Word of God. Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also [do] ye (Col 3:13).

3. We Don’t Feel Like Forgiving the One Responsible For Our Hurt

The pain inflicted by the offender is one of the most stubborn reasons why forgiveness is difficult to achieve. How can I forgive the one who hurt me so badly, who is responsible for what I am going through? Oh, the pain of betrayal. How it hurts! Or the pain of being jilted by the one whom you have poured out the love of your heart. Or the pain of facing the man who murdered your husband, or the man who raped your child! There are various levels of pain. Some are so great, we think we could never forgive. Some are smaller but come everyday. Some come once in a while but are nonetheless painful. When we are inflicted by the pain that makes life so painful, that is when to cry out to God, the healer of the heart.

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds (Psalms 147:3).

The human physician is limited in his capacity to heal our broken heart. He could prescribe some medication, but it offers, at best, temporary relief. God alone can offer His healing. He alone knows how to apply His balm to the driest patches in our hearts. We look up to God as our Healer and we do the next best thing, we forgive.

Forgiveness is not easy when we hurt, but we must also consciously remember that forgiveness is the path to the healing of the hurt and the pain. How? Disconnection. You refuse to be tied to the pain of the past by releasing your offender from their action. As discussed under the benefits of forgiveness, I worked quickly towards disconnecting myself from the offense so that I could heal quickly. This way, it makes it easy to forgive my offender. The disconnection may not take place immediately, but start working on it. Read the chapter on “Steps to Forgiveness.”

4. I Look and Feel Stupid.

I feel the person thinks I am stupid. We find it difficult to forgive because the offender thinks he is smart and we are stupid. That hurts. He hurt you when he should not have. He released some information about you that has irreparably damaged you. He denied you of your promotion by convincing your boss to pass you up and choose someone else for the post. And here you are, called upon to forgive. He is wrong. He has acted irresponsibly. And he thinks that by putting you in a corner, he has won the battle and you have lost. On top of that, you are required, not by man but by God, to forgive him and let him go! Do not be discouraged. Just remember, the only win or loss that matters is the case you win before the divine court. If the divine court justifies you and you still forgive, your reward will be great before the God of rewards. He will not overlook your decision to honor Him even when the going is tough.

Other people who know of the incident may join him and think he won and you lost. Once again, your focal point is to forgive him. Whose report will you believe about yourself? The report of the Lord outweighs the report of man, even when they are in the majority. Simply because he thinks he has won, or the majority of people think he won, does not make it so.

Many seek the ruler’s favour; but [every] man’s judgment [cometh] from the LORD (Proverbs 29:26).

When Jesus was crucified, to the human eye, He was a failure. His work had been aborted but not to the spiritual world. God accepted His sacrifice on our behalf. His blood once shed is the means of our redemption. His death accomplished His mission here on earth. Jesus did not allow the Pharisee’s view that they had won to diminish His view of His mission here on earth.

Let not the opinion of man deter you from forgiving your offender. You would be surprised to know that people are not stupid. They know what is going on. While they may not openly take your side, they sympathize with you and are ready to be nice to you should the need arise. The offender, on the other hand, has lost some credibility. No one likes to befriend a traitor, because they might be the next victim. Nonetheless, you do what is right because God said so.

5. We Feel We Can Be Taken for Granted

Forgiveness is difficult when we feel we are taken for granted. Our offender hurt us the first time, and we forgave him. Then he wrongs us again, and we forgive again. The third time he does something else, and like previous times, we forgive. The offender sees a pattern emerging.

A good person will appreciate the Christian attitude and try to emulate us, or at least try to be nice and do his best not to hurt us again. Others see an opportunity to take advantage of us. They begin to take us for granted. Yet, we read in Scriptures that we are to forget seventy times seventy. Should we continue to forgive while being hurt repeatedly or refuse to forgive to teach our offender a lesson they will not forgive? Neither is a good option. Again, commit the judgment to God.

If thou seest the oppression of the poor, and violent perverting of judgment and justice in a province, marvel not at the matter: for [he that is] higher than the highest regardeth; and [there be] higher than they (Ecclesiastes 5:8).

God has not called us to be abused again and again. He sees all, and He will fight for you. However, there are steps you should take to avoid the abuse of your offender. Use wisdom.

Wisdom [is] the principal thing; [therefore] get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding (Proverbs 4:7).

If someone borrowed money from you and does not pay it back, the next time he comes, it may not be wise to loan him more money. You may give him what you can afford. Another scenario is sharing your deep intimate prayer points with her. She takes your prayer points and recklessly shares it with other believers. You should forgive her, but you should be careful not to share your confidential requests with her. In essence, use wisdom to avoid the abuse or misuse of your relationships. This reduces the potential abuse you may have to bear. God will not be upset with you.

ARTICLE 2

Questions and Answers

Question: If someone hurt me what should I do? Should I keep quiet or should I confront the person?

Answer: The best thing to do is to internalize the hurt and forgive. By internalizing, I mean thinking through what the person has done, and deciding to forgive him and move on. But if you cannot internalize and forgive the person, then talk to him. You do not have to confront him or her. A soft word goes a longer way than a harsh one. The Bible states, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Talk to the person about what he did. He may not be aware that he has wronged you. Everyone has his own ways of doing things. Once he apologizes, forgive. Move on. Do not rub it in, nor make the person feel humiliated. If you embarrass him, he may not be disposed to apologize in the future, especially in a marriage relationship. Wisdom is important even here.

Question: Suppose he wrongs me again and again. Should I keep on forgiving? How much can I take?

Answer: This is an age long question. Jesus told His disciples that if someone offends them, and he apologizes, they must forgive.

“Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him “(Luke 17:3-4).

Seven sins a day is not easy to forgive. But it can and it must be done.

However, the Lord expects us to use wisdom in every area of our lives.

For example, you have a roommate who gets on your nerves all the time. The best thing to do is find another roommate for the following semester. You may not be able to move out immediately because of the lease on the apartment. If you are ready and willing to forfeit your deposit, then you may leave. That may be a heavy price to pay, depending on the contract. But if you cannot afford to break the contract, then you have to bear with your roommate until you are free to go.

Look at the situation as being in God’s school of discipline. There can be no maturity without suffering. Jesus was made perfect by the things He suffered. The Lord may be taking you through some things in order to refine your character. You become more patient. You appreciate in others what you took for granted before. You learn the art of forgiveness on a daily basis, which may come to your aid in the future. Your relationship with people is improved. A host of other advantages are there. But if you can leave, you should leave. If you cannot, then think of what God might be doing in your life, and praise Him for it. He will see you through, even in that situation.

In some situations, you cannot change your situation simply because of disagreements. One such example is in relationship to marriage. Disagreements are not grounds for divorce. Incompatibility is not grounds for Scriptural divorce. Simply because your husband says some things that hurt your feelings, or your wife does not respect you, does not mean you should leave him or her. (In the face of danger, you may seek counsel or possibly separate yourself for safety reasons). You need to work out the differences, and ask God to give you grace to bear each other’s weaknesses until things get better.

Question: When someone approaches me with a grievance how should I handle it?

The normal thing you ought to do is to say you are sorry, and ask for their forgiveness. Sometimes, you might not know you have hurt him. You should apologize because you hurt the person. Secondly, it took bravery and possibly a good heart (possibly out of anger too, this cannot be ruled out) for the person to have come to you. If you hurt him, the moral law, the societal law, and more so the heavenly law says that you apologize. You should ask the person for forgiveness. You apologize for various reasons.

This helps to heal his heart. The Lord will bless you for this. It will always help to remove a stumbling block in the person’s life. Maybe all the person asks for is your apology and that might make it easier for him to forgive you. Depending on the maturity of the person, he may not be able to forgive without an apology. Be the mature one, if need be. Take the bullet as it were, and for the sake of the soul for whom Christ died, offer your apology.

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1)

You can expect God to bless you for it.

The justice of God is pacified. God is right. You hurt someone, you owe them a debt, and the least you can do is to apologize. The story of the Gibeonites illustrates this so well. They were Canaanites when Israel was about to possess Canaan. The Gibeonites deceived Israel into believing that they were not among those Israel was to destroy. A covenant was made between them. A few days later, the truth came. But the covenant had been made. In spite of the revolt among some in Israel, Joshua refused to destroy them. Many years later, Saul decided to kill some of them in his zeal as the king. After Saul’s death, and David ascended the throne, there was famine for three months. God told David that it was because of the blood of the Gibeonites Saul had shed. David went to the Gibeonites and asked them what they wanted. This was a form of apology. God is a God of justice. He is not partial. When you wrong someone, you should pay the debt. Sometimes an apology will suffice. Sometimes you may have to do more to rectify to some extent the evil you did. Circumstances will dictate this.

Question: Suppose, the person does not think he has done anything wrong?

Answer: If he refuses to apologize on the ground that he did nothing wrong, try to make him see reason. If he continues to refuse, then let it go. Forgive him anyway. On the other hand, he may not be the guilty party. He might not have done anything wrong. Maybe it was your own perception of the scenario.

Question: Suppose the person is not remorseful nor apologizes, what should I do? Am I bound to forgive?

Answer: You still have to forgive. Your forgiveness of him is not based on whether he apologizes or not, but on God’s Word. Sometimes, this is very difficult. It is hard enough to forgive someone who is openly remorseful, talk less of the person who does not think he has done anything wrong. Forgive, and commit the judgment to God. Jesus did not wait for the apology of the Pharisees and the soldiers before He prayed that God should forgive them since they did not know what they were doing. In the height of His anguish, the Lord prayed, “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots” (Luke 23:34).

Question: What if the person refuses to apologize?

Answer: Some people find it difficult to say they are sorry. They may indeed be sorry within themselves, but they find it almost impossible to apologize. There are various reasons for this. This may be because of their childhood. They were not brought up to say they are sorry or trained to apologize. Or they may not be able to apologize because they do not want to be implicated in a wrongdoing. They may be afraid that if they say they are sorry, other people might hear about the offense and the apology, causing them embarrassment. They will not be caught in the web! While they may not be justified for doing that, you can still be gracious enough to try to understand them and forgive them. You can leave it in the hands of God. The interesting thing is that God is the righteous judge; you can therefore commit the matter to Him.

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